bandaids over bullet holes

I am sure many of you have heard the expression, "bandaids over bullet holes." If you haven't heard that saying its quite easy to explain, and is simply trying to use something as small as a bandage to fix a major wound. It is a simple as getting a huge fight with someone, and all they do is say sorry to try to fix it… bandaid over a bullet hole. I am going, being honest, I am a total "bandaid over a bullet hole" kinda girl, and genuinely when something hurts emotionally, the first instinct is what is an easy fix I do not want to feel this and being real with my emotions (I blame it on my 8w7). The more I've lived, the more I've come to realize bullet holes are unavoidable, and it can come in many forms. Maybe you didn't do so hot this semester of school, and it feels like you will never get into your dream job because of it. You could have been hoping for a job opportunity and even got interviewed, and they chose someone else. Maybe that promotion you wanted got given to someone you didn't feel like deserving it. You thought it was your forever, and now it's December, and there's no kiss under the mistletoe… I am not sure what it is, but I can say there are times things hit us and wound us. These pains are an aspect of life that is, in a sense, predictable even when it feels out of the blue, and Jesus mentions in the Bible, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world, you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33). I love that there is no you may have trouble, but it is a promise that things will happen, and it is apart of living. However, there is a promised attached to this harsh reality, which is that everything we face has been not only faced but were defeated by Jesus. Although troubles are promised, I do not believe God is a quick fix, bandaid kind of God, but instead, he is holding you close and dress the wound. Maybe there is shrapnel, and he has to dig it out, but he doesn't leave us there bleeding with a small hello kitty bandaid. He gives us this choice, though, and it is come to him with these bullet holes or turn to our first aid kits. Some things are not even bad that we use to cover the holes, and just in the same way as band-aids are useful, some of these things have their proper place. However, in the case of a severe wound, a bandage is just minor help and honestly kind of useless. Bad wounds need real medical attention and to be properly treated, and the cool thing about God is that he promises that. One of my favorite verses in Psalms states, "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." (Psalm 147:3)And in Isaiah, it describes God and states, "I live in a high and holy place, but also with the one who is contrite (remorse or down) and lowly in spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly and to revive the heart of the contrite." (Isaiah 57:15). If God promises that why do we still chose bandaids? Well, in my opinion, it's easier, and in this culture of being heartless, it is socially acceptable and approved. I remember breaking down crying with a trusted friend, and I was going on how annoyed and upset I was that this situation still hurt. I remember saying it been two months, why do I still care, and the response startled me. She said, "Why are you running over your heart and mad at it for doing what it was created to do?" and I thought about it while I ugly cry in Whole Foods. I was angry at my heart for caring because being heartless in my mind proved I didn't care that it didn't mean that much to me, that I was better than it, etc. I thought about in our culture how we praise being cold and moving on and pretending it doesn't matter. When the truth was, God created me with a heart that loves people, moments, and desires to live and go all in passionately. I love people hard, I do my job with all my might, and when I trust you, I trust you with everything (haha let's be clear, I do not trust a lot of people lol #tightcircle). I was upset at my heart for caring about something, but the truth is this pain proves I cared, and it proves that I invested, and although that may seem dumb, that's something we should be proud of ourselves for. If we are upset about the semester GPA, it proves we have dreams and goals that we worked for, and although it stings that we did not get what we wanted, we can be proud of ourselves for caring about our grades. If it a job or promotion we wanted, and it was a blow to you when you did not get, then we can be proud of ourselves and our hearts for being ambitious and working to grow and be better. If your heart is broken, you can be proud of it that is loved and cared for someone else, and in a world that tells you to lock up your heart, you were real and put your heart out there. All of these bullet holes are proof we showed up and went to war. We did not play it safe, but instead, we got in the battle, and that is something we should pat ourselves on the back for being brave. I found a few bandaids I use, and if I am real, I probably slapped all of these over a most recent bullet hole.

Band-Aid #1: The Beyoncé bandaid

It was only appropriate that Queen B be number one, but I also think it is one of the most common band-aids we see. This band-aid tells us that we are better than the ex, the boss, the person who got the promotion, the teacher who gave us a bad grade, etc., and it encourages us to bring ourselves above the situation. We shouldn't feel bad about it because they lost the best employee, girlfriend, boyfriend, friend, student, etc. they will ever get. We could also say this band-aid is a Beyoncé/Lizzo band-aid, but it is a fix that thinks we shouldn't feel and because we "above or better" that caring or being hurt about the situation defecates our worth. I am a sucker for this band-aid, and I am going, to be honest, sometimes it has been a bad day, and you just want to blast "Truth Hurts," "Good as Hell," "Best I Never Had," whatever your song is, but no amount of listening to these songs will heal the wound. It just covers it up, and although it's easier and simple fix just like doing your makeup or changing your hair, that feeling leaves. You still feel empty, and the mentality if I am better it doesn't hurt tells your heart because you cared that you are less than them. This is simply not true, and I do not want to scold my heart for caring. So next time you get that feeling of maybe if I was enough _____, I would have gotten the job, grade, boo, etc., and you just want to blast some feel-good music… why don't you put on some worship? Ask God to meet you in that place, and I promise you he will, and his love will fill that need of significance because we are each so significant to God that he would give his only Son for us.

Band-Aid #2: The band-aid of self-improvement

As the great Post Malone says, "I just want to go flex," and if I can be real, this one might be my number one band-aid. It could be from growing up playing competitive sports, but I take rejection as I have to be better, and not only will I be better, but I'll make you regret letting me go or not giving me that opportunity (I know not healthy working on it lol). I want to become better because I never want to feel this pain again, but sometimes things happen, and disappointment comes that is not a reflection of us. The job we want, maybe it does not use our skills or degree? We take that situation, and we tell our narrative of rejection. We may not all perceive our striving to be better as rejection, but honestly, I think this attitude comes from a place of feeling we aren't enough or who we are is not right, which is why it did not work out. I've been told my only real coping skill is working out, and let's be real it is, and when waves of feel inadequacy rise, I want to run into the gym to feel the validation of progress and activity. When I got denied a particular job, I felt rejected and read a multitude of books about leadership to "level up or flex" on them. Hear me clearly; I am not saying reading, listening to podcasts, going to the gym, or improving yourself is wrong, but it is not a fix to our pain. It is seeing our pain and throwing dirt of self-improvement on it and walking over it, and that mentality becomes dangerous. It can cause us to grind or hustle to no end just to drown out the voice that screams of our inadequacies in our head. We can use our pain to be our driver and run us to the ground, or we can let our pain bring us to God and allow his love and acceptance to heal or clean out the wound of our pain or disappointment. We can also have a perspective shift when we bring it to God, and hope begins to flood our hearts. What felt like rejection may have been protection. The job we wanted may have kept us from our dream position or a more significant promotion. The lousy grade could cause us to change our study patterns that help us as we pursue higher education. The break up may position us to meet the forever ride or die, or it could allow us to focus on ourselves and our friends. We have hope that God is working for us and that he has GOOD PLANS, and even if I do not know the plan or it isn't, my plan does not make it not good. Let this pain fuel us to greater intimacy to run further into God's heart and his plan for our lives. Maybe through those tears or discomfort, we see that he not only accepts us but that he has plans for us. Our faith is tested in these moments, and we have to let go of our pain and rejection and tighten our grips on God's promises and confidence/hope of his character.

Band-Aid #3: Distraction/Numbing

This one is kind of tricky. The thing is anything can be a distraction if we aren't supposed to focus on it. As I have been running from this bullet hole, I have found myself being distracted or busy. I want a new goal, new guy, new hobbies, new project, new Netflix, new job, etc., and I even gave myself eyelash extensions because I got so bored and then ripped them off a day later along with the majority of my eyelashes (RIP). When pain comes, and we can feel the wound, the easiest thing to do is a slap on that band-aid and pretend it does not exist, and while we do that, we use anything we can to numb that pain. As I mentioned one of my few or only coping technique is working out, I revisited my old least favorite hobby of running, and as I ran, I felt like I was running away from the reality that I was hurting. I distracted myself with a new hobby because I felt like if I slowed down and stopped, it would hit me like a truck. This band-aid is not sustainable, and like band-aid #2, it let pain be our driver. We feel this wound, and we numb it; however, all this numbing and covering up is going to lead to infections. As we run ourselves thin, trying to avoid it cost more and more for us to numb it. It could be going to that party you know you shouldn't, texting that boy/girl back because it feels that void, drinking, unhealthy amounts of eating or undereating, not getting enough sleep, buying that new ___ to feel good, etc. We each pick our distractions, and mine will be different than yours, but I can say as we numb and distract, we do not get to pick and choose what we feel. As I try to be heartless and callous, my heart becomes hard toward God and what he has called me to do. I am not myself, or I do not feel like me, and I am naturally super ADHD and restless, and I don't have any peace when I chose this band-aid. I am beyond stubborn and will choose this easy fix because I do not want to go head to head with my emotions. I do not want to feel sad or cry about it, so I numb, and when I do this, I numb myself from joy, peace, love, feeling of being free, known, and so many more emotions. As I run (literally and metaphorically), I run from God even if it is not intentional. I run from him and do not let him see me wounded and hurt, and the stupid thing about this is he has healing and hope, but more importantly, peace. He can calm my restlessness, and in those moments of waves of maybe sadness, bitterness, or anger, he is there with me. I can be still and be with him. When I catch myself caught in a cycle of busyness or distractions, I am starting to learn to sit still and ask why am I running. What thing is driving me, and why am I letting it? I have full access to Jesus and his yoke, which is light, but I have to choose to be yoked with him. I was considering adding another band-aid, but I believe it falls in the subcategory of this band-aid. One tool of numbing or distracting can be religion or religious activity, and it can be easy to avoid our pain by slapping a band-aid of Christianese on it. I can't be sad about this because "God works all things for his good," which yes it is true, but just because it hurts does not mean God is still not good. We can be faithful and believe God, but still be upset. We can run to God and yet again, still be disappointed.

I would propose that is actually where God wants us to be, and when these troubles come, we take hope because he overcame, so as we go through it, the victory is ours, but we still have to process it. We still have to grieve the what-ifs or what once was, and that is not easy. Although it is not easy does not mean it is not what we are supposed to do, and I know when we put down the band-aid and come to God, he is not mad or disappointed. Instead, he is like our parents when we get hurt, and he may need to clean the wound and dressed it, but as he does, he is gentle. He does not add extra pain to it, but he heals, and it can come quickly or slowly, but he is there with us. Through the tears or the times we rip our arms away because its too much, he is still there. He still holds our hand if we let him, and he nevertheless meets us. He does not look down upon our emotions, but instead, he admires the hearts he gave us. He designed them to feel, and although the pain was never apart of the plan before sin… feelings were. As we rip off these band-aids and allow God to heal us remember these few things

1. The waves of emotions do not last forever, and we can allow God into them.

2. Healing is not linear, and sometimes it does not hurt, and other times it does, and that is okay

3. Our pain or disappointment is never too big for God. Our authenticity in that pain does not scare him, and we do not have to fix our make up or get our act together before we come to God with it.

4. Hold on to some promises and spend time with him

5. Do things that give you life and make you feel alive

6. Keep going because although this feels huge right now in 5-10 year; it probably will not matter

FINALLY

7. God is in control and good, and as we follow him and pursue him, he will direct our paths and guide us.

I not even going to lie I always say I am going to write soon and I probably won't.

#christianity #disappointment #life #college #breakups #hurt #pain #jesus #promises