Mindsweeper

I think like most in December 2019, I was hoping 2020 would be my year because the last few months had been the hardest of my life. However, I began 2020 by crying on a stinky bus with cornrows in my hair, to be fair the cornrows were really cool, but it set the precedent for the year. I felt as though I had stayed the same from the fall of 2019, and I knew God had tugged on my heart about something, but it seemed like a mountain I was not able to face. There would be these periods of feeling close to God, and I knew he was leading me to it. However, like trying to avoid someone by blocking them out with your hand, I kept avoiding this mountain of a question God was asking. The question started in September 2019, and it was do you trust me? Do you trust me, Sabina, with your future? Obviously, like any good Christian, I was like, duh God, you know I do, but when it came to the things that were close to my heart, it was a closed fist.

This tight grip stems from a multitude of aspects such as personality, past, and pride. There is a massive part of me that believes I know best, but there is also a huge part of me that fears the unknown because what if I am wrong. It was this struggle all year, do I trust God fully? Do I trust him enough to let go of my plan or what I feel is my vital role in fulfilling my destiny? It was a game of tug of war that left me some days feeling like life is good, and other days how am I going to do this. Although if you would have asked me if I felt this before last weekend, I would have laughed in your face.

I am not an anxious person.

I don’t worry.

I am not an overthinker.

How could I be these things because of look at how much I do and how I step out, but the parts of me that when making a decision that I was not fully sure on and freaked out was hidden from almost all. This was normal, these are huge choices I said. Granted some were massive choices, but I had forgotten all along that God is good. I had forgotten that God has a future for me. However, I was stuck in this endless cycle of believing that following God’s will for my life was like playing minesweeper. Pray about the choice. Hopefully, it is good or else your life and calling are blown up. This is a stressful way to live, and it enforces a false belief that I am in charge of fulfilling the destiny God has for me. It is all on me and one false move and I have completely lost the game.

I recently moved to Baton Rouge, and completely uprooted my life which was terrifying. The moment I got the call about this move, I immediately said yes and then talked a bit then hung up the phone. I was so happy until I realized wait I’m moving. My mind raced, and those thoughts of what if flooded. What if I ruined my life. What if this is a major mistake. What if and what if. However, even in the toughest moments, God was showing up, and I was getting closer to that mountain of the question.

Ironically around that time, I was excited about something and it was going to be so good and in my opinion so God. It was going to be easy to control it and get it to happen. Kaboom. The situation blew up in my face and it stung. I was so sure, but I was so sure in Sabina and Sabina’s ability, and when it exploded my whole masterplan went with it. This event probably should have driven me closer to God, and the issue should have been it is okay God I trust you with this situation. Instead, it resulted in way too many dates, workouts, tears, and just trying to rebuild the foundation of me.

I was sick of this. It felt like an endless cycle, but with different problems. I thought I was over this but instead ran right into whatever I could control and win over with whatever perfection of effort I needed to do. I didn’t trust God with the future… not with a future spouse, future job, future place, future everything. On the outside, I said I did, but this obsessive need to control it and make sure I am doing it right would triumph who God is constantly. Thankfully, a breaking point happened and I snapped out of it. I was doing good, and I felt close to God and it was like I had finally made progress in our relationship. It was good, and I was good.

I began being a thing with someone and at first, it seemed so good and so God. It felt different, I did not have to change for him. I didn’t have to model into his perfection to have his affection. However, I was excited, but peace was absent. I talked myself out of it, and I was just nervous because this is good and he is a good guy. I went on a retreat and crashed into the mountain.

Session one was filled with tears, and the biggest spiritual slap in the face. The anxiety that had flooded my head and body for the past week felt like it was being pinpointed. It stemmed from this lack of trust, and regardless of the situation, God had promises of peace, hope, and love. The fear of “what if” is defeated when I stand on the promises that never change. The promises of plans to prosper and that he works all for good. The fact that God is the giver of good gifts and desires the best for us, and I can trust that a closed door is just as loving as an open door. It lifted this striving, this need for perfection, this drive to be enough so that I could control. Closed doors did not have to be utter rejection, but instead could be seen as protection. Hope has filled my heart, but still, I prayed for clarity and when it came so did the confidence to make the choice. The choice was hard, and even if it is not serious it still stinks at times, but there was an abundance of peace. It refilled my vision of who God is and who I am because of him. I am the happiest and filled with the most hope since then and honestly, nothing has at all changed in situations. Furthermore, there is this beauty in being that has come knowing I am fully secure in God. I am not striving to make God’s plan happen, but instead, I am obedient to the spirit. I am not fearing making decisions because I know God is good and when I seek him he will give clarity and confidence. I know God deeper now, and knowing him deeper allows me to know he isn’t trying to hide his will or just hope I guess it right. Instead, he is there with me, he is guiding me and protecting me.

This isn’t one of my normal posts. There are no steps or major points, but I hope that if you read this far God encouraged you. Last time, I said I would write more and that was last year so I guess as long as I write more than once a year I made progress. No promises though.